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LIL DOUBT


Oh lord. I've just got the most gratifying compliment ever.

'After 18 years of doing this job, I've finally met a writer who makes me 100% happy.'


A message like this shoots me to the moon and back. I can't quite describe how powerfully it hits. It's almost comparable to the moment I got a DM from Lil Wayne. Eh, yeah, haha, some years ago, during an existential crisis, I got this bizarre idea to write to Lil Wayne. I have a peculiar emotional connection to him. He looks like my young dad without a beard. As my brother's teen idol, he was in the house on repeat, which got on my nerves. Although rap was my root genre, I was all about Kafka and Dylan back then. Fun fact: one Times columnist compared Wayne to Dylan and claimed Wayne's rhymes were Dylanesque. Oh. Kay. Admittedly, Wayne really is a great lyricist, even if (or because) his metaphors mostly revolve around 'pussy, money, weed', as one of his song titles says. But Dylan doesn't hold back either. Can you even tell whose verses are whose?


'Got a hopped up Mustang Ford

Jump into the wagon, love, throw your panties overboard

Hop in this machine, vanish from the scene

Put your panties and your pants by the trash can'


Anyway, back to the topic: years later, when I was already living alone, I'd listen to Wayne when I felt that subterranean homesick blues. One drunk evening, I wrote him a heartfelt message, and guess what – he wrote me back! 'Live hard love harder smile brighter rest easier.' I was out of my mind, naively hoping for a true friendship. I sent more texts. Naturally, he didn't reply. And I wondered, 'Will he ever get in touch again?'


The exact same question popped into my mind when I got that all-star compliment. My rap name should be Lil Doubt because when I get heartwarming feedback – which does happen, thankfully – I'm on cloud nine for a few hours, and then my excitement turns into doubt. From Wayneish flexing I shift to Dylanesque questioning. And the director's praise seems like an ephemeral emotional outburst. 'Will they ever get in touch again?'


Well, often, they don't. And that's okay. The compliment still counts and makes me truly happy (thank you!). But the ultimate satisfaction happens if a compliment plants a lasting bond. A long-term director-writer relationship is simply the best. For both sides, I believe. The more pitches we go through together, the deeper our mutual understanding grows. The director no longer needs to explain certain things, and I no longer need to ask certain questions. We save time and energy so we can focus on fully elaborating the project. Our odds of winning increase. That's just basic math.


Fortunately, I have a few firm bonds like this, and I'm infinitely grateful for them. I can handle that I don't have it with Lil Wayne, let alone Bob Dylan. It's more likely that they'll form a bond together. 'Would it be worthwhile, though?' Lil Doubt asks. Well, that's up to everyone's judgment.


'Just hope you're heaven-sent, and you're hell-proof

I walk up in the world and cut the lights off

I’ve been walking through the middle of nowhere

Trying to get to heaven before they close the door'

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